Thursday, April 22, 2010

5 years.

I cannot believe it's been 5 years, but it has... It seems like just the other day... so many thoughts running through my mind this week. So many "what ifs" and no real answers.

My Mom passed away 5 years ago this week. She had been very ill for years, but it was septicaemia that eventually took her life. I'll never forget when we got the call. I was at Wendy's with Richard and he received the call and I knew. I knew something had happened. I knew it. I didn't believe it and I certainly didn't expect it, but I knew.

We were picking up something to eat and then we were heading to the hospital. But when I got to the hospital, it was too late. She was gone. I got to go in and see her and I broke down. I never got to say "goodbye" or "I'm sorry." There was no closure. And I will be sorry and regret this for as long as I live.

My Mom and I had a difficult relationship and so much was left unsaid. But I did love her. I just didn't realize exactly how much until she was gone. Until she was no longer here for me to call or hug or talk to her. I miss her terribly. I miss her craziness and drama. I miss her trying to baby me and give me advice. I miss her laugh and her big personality. She was one of a kind. She was special. And I know now that I meant the world to her and that she loved me so much. After she passed away, my step dad, Jorge, gave me albums, notes and keepsakes that she kept from my childhood. Some things I didn't know she had.

I just wish I would have been there for her much more than I was. If only I could turn back time... Now I just pray and talk to her and I hope she can hear me and I hope that she continues to be with me throughout my life.

This is an old scrapbook layout I made a few years ago with my favorite photo of my Mom

That baby in the photo is me with my Mom sitting behind me

That's my Mom (far right) the day she married Jorge

I love you, Mom.

Thank you for letting me pour out my heart tonight...

Tomorrow afternoon, I am heading to Key West with my honey so I will be back on Sunday. Have a good weekend!



Balou said...

I have tears in my eyes. I hope you know that your mom's love for you will be with you always, as long as you carry her in your heart. She knows how you feel and she can hear your words and your prayers. Don't ever doubt for one second that she knew you loved her. The mother/daughter relationship is usually the most difficult because it is the most intense. You are a beautiful person and being who you are and how you are is an honor to your mother. I love you. Have a wonderful time in Key West!

Ady said...

Vane, I know your heart and I know how much you love her. She knows it too and so does your family. She always told me how much she adored you and how she prayed for you always. You know I love you and everyone that is in your circle love you too. Have a great time and don't take any pictures. HA!Ha!Ha! Just kidding... Have fun and be safe.

Damaris said...

Te quiero y me quedo corta.

Maritza said...

Very touching post. Beautiful LO. Hugs for you during this time.

carylhope said...

Oh, Vanessa... {hugs}

I can't help but cry... I think you know why. It hurts, yes, but I believe a mother's love transcends all and I'm pretty sure they know we are sorry before we even say it. It does not take away the longing of closure, though... the feeling that things were settle and we are at peace with one another.

I hope to be able to do that someday. In the meantime, I will always carry my mother's memory in my heart as you do.

Take care! {hugs}

Marlene said...

Your mom was so beautiful, just like you. Inside beautiful the one that really counts.

Jorge said...

Vanessita, you just made me cry. There is no need anymore to say I'm sorry. Your mom "adored you" I witnessed that and you know it. From now on and forever all she wants to hear is "Mom I love you", she is always by your side, looking after you, listening to you and enjoying your sucess, while on earth you know that I always be there for you. I love you sweetheart, God Bless You!!! Jorge,

lawrenbc said...

V - a lovely, touching post. you really do a great job of journaling your feelings - i admire that...thinking of you