Hanging in there...

...after the loss of my beautiful Mami on Friday. That's all I could say. I know some of you have lost a parent or someone close and you have some idea of what I am feeling right now. It's a rush of emotions that I cannot even explain. I'm okay one minute and falling apart the next. Just dealing with my sorrow and taking it one day at a time. Thanks for the well wishes. This is very personal, but I sat down and wrote this and thought I'd post it since my blog is kind of like my own personal journal.

Sept. 7, 2008

Mami, I will always be your little girl, Vanessita, and La Cucarachita, too! You’ve only just gone to Heaven and I miss you like crazy already. I adore you with all my heart and I don’t know what life is like without you in it and I am not anxious to find out. You’ve always been there for me whether you were close by or miles away from me. Just knowing you were around was all the comfort I ever needed and now you’re gone. Yes, I know you’re in a better place and that you are looking over me and that you are dancing in the heavens above with Cano, Papi, Mama, Tia Flora, Abuelita and the rest of the family, but perhaps I’m just too selfish because that doesn’t seem to alleviate the pain I feel right now – the pain of losing my mother. I want you here by my side, holding me. I want to smell you like I always do. I want to feel your soft hands and skin like I always do. I want to run my fingers through your hair like I always do. I want you to tell me you love me more “because you’re older” like you always do. I want you to correct my Spanish like you always do. I want you here with me right now. Everyone tells me you had to go, that it was time and I know that’s all true, but I don’t want to hear that anymore because it doesn’t change the fact that you are not here and there’s nothing I can do about that. I didn’t want you to suffer anymore and I know you are well and that God is looking over you because you have always been such a saint, a perfect example of all that is true and dear and right in this world. I have lost my parents – all of them – and I am only 32 years old. Aren’t I too young for this? What will I tell my kids? Who will be there for me and for them? Who will teach me what to do when I have a baby? Who will I celebrate Mother’s Day with? Who will love me unconditionally? Who will comfort me and hold me in their arms like you used to do? This is life changing for me and I feel so lost and empty and alone right now… I miss you more than words could ever express…Rest in peace, my dear Mami, and don’t ever leave me because I need you to love me and guide me and help me live my life every single day. I need you to be with me every step of the way. Te adoro, La Cucarachita