Monday, September 8, 2008

Hanging in there...


...after the loss of my beautiful Mami on Friday. That's all I could say. I know some of you have lost a parent or someone close and you have some idea of what I am feeling right now. It's a rush of emotions that I cannot even explain. I'm okay one minute and falling apart the next. Just dealing with my sorrow and taking it one day at a time. Thanks for the well wishes. This is very personal, but I sat down and wrote this and thought I'd post it since my blog is kind of like my own personal journal.

Sept. 7, 2008

Mami, I will always be your little girl, Vanessita, and La Cucarachita, too! You’ve only just gone to Heaven and I miss you like crazy already. I adore you with all my heart and I don’t know what life is like without you in it and I am not anxious to find out. You’ve always been there for me whether you were close by or miles away from me. Just knowing you were around was all the comfort I ever needed and now you’re gone. Yes, I know you’re in a better place and that you are looking over me and that you are dancing in the heavens above with Cano, Papi, Mama, Tia Flora, Abuelita and the rest of the family, but perhaps I’m just too selfish because that doesn’t seem to alleviate the pain I feel right now – the pain of losing my mother. I want you here by my side, holding me. I want to smell you like I always do. I want to feel your soft hands and skin like I always do. I want to run my fingers through your hair like I always do. I want you to tell me you love me more “because you’re older” like you always do. I want you to correct my Spanish like you always do. I want you here with me right now. Everyone tells me you had to go, that it was time and I know that’s all true, but I don’t want to hear that anymore because it doesn’t change the fact that you are not here and there’s nothing I can do about that. I didn’t want you to suffer anymore and I know you are well and that God is looking over you because you have always been such a saint, a perfect example of all that is true and dear and right in this world. I have lost my parents – all of them – and I am only 32 years old. Aren’t I too young for this? What will I tell my kids? Who will be there for me and for them? Who will teach me what to do when I have a baby? Who will I celebrate Mother’s Day with? Who will love me unconditionally? Who will comfort me and hold me in their arms like you used to do? This is life changing for me and I feel so lost and empty and alone right now… I miss you more than words could ever express…Rest in peace, my dear Mami, and don’t ever leave me because I need you to love me and guide me and help me live my life every single day. I need you to be with me every step of the way. Te adoro, La Cucarachita



14 comments:

Damaris said...

Vanessa: siento un dolor en el alma y quiero que sepas que te he mantenido en oracion. Lo unico que te digo es que apesar que nunca, el vacio se llenara de nuevo, el tiempo te traera paz. Espero que sepas que tu amor hacia tu mami fue un ejemplo para mi,pues se que somos hermanas en esta caminata con nuestras abuelitas. Tu caracter como mujer, hija, y sobre todo un ser Cristiano me dio entender que solo una persona que ama tan profundamente como tu, puede lidiar con gozo estas etapas tan fuertes con nuestra mamis. Fuistes una niete ejemplar!!!
Te quiero muchisimo!!!
Tu amiga y hermana,
Damaris

Ady said...

There is so much we have shared and I can understand how you feel. My words are stronger than anything I can write so we'll have our time to talk, cry and laugh. Just know that I love you very much...

Maritza said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my prayers God Bless!

~Nancy~ said...

OH girlie.. My heart is broken for you.. so sorry for your loss! I can imagine that his must be such a difficult time for you.. but your memories about her will never fade away... that's for sure... Sending you biiiiig HUGS! Thinkinf of you! XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

Anilu Magloire said...

My dear friend, I can only imagine what you're going through...
Know you and your beautiful Mami are in my thoughts and prayers.
A love as huge as the one you have for her will keep her memory alive.
Love you :)

A Margarita said...

I'm sorry for your loss, chica. Hang in there. Abrazos.

Margie said...

Beautiful post. Wish I could give you a hug right now. I have been and will continue to pray for you and your family. I will be getting in touch with you soon. Love you!
P.S.
I've always thought your mami is the cutest thing ever! She truly is adorable!

Ana, Miami said...

Vanessa

My heat goes out to you, having gone throught not even 2 years ago. I will pray for you to regain the strength to remember the great moments you had with mami. The emotions are great and unexplainable and only those that hav egone through can know. God bless you and your family and remember we are here for you now and always. May the lord give you the stregth to give you back the peace you had just a few days ago!

With lots of love
and from the bottom of my heart
I send you my my reagrds and my love

alma said...

Amiga mia no tengo palabras que puedan consolarte en este momento tan dificil por el que estas pasadon, pero quiero que sepas que si existe alguien que puede darte mucho consuelo. Buscalo en Juan 5:25,28,y 29 Y algo que te va ha consolar mucho mas para que no te sientas sola esta en Salmos 27:10
Ahun cundo tus padres se hayan ido Dios siempre estara contigo.
Yo se que tu estas rodeada de muchas personas que te quiere mucho y que estan ahi para ti. Y yo quiero que tu sepas que quiero contarme como una de ellas. Por favor cuenta conmigo.
Besos. Alma

bwgayoso said...

Vane, I started reading your post on the day you wrote it but I burst out in tears so I couldn't leave you a post that day.

I want to tell you that I am so sorry for your loss. I know that your Mami was very special to you and you to her. It is so great that you have so many wonderful memories of her.

You and your family continue to be in my prayers.

Laura said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Margie said...

Thinking of you...hope you're doing well. Love you!

lawrenbc said...

Vanessa: I am so sorry to hear this news! I know from reading so many of your posts that your Mami was a huge part of your life, and this must be such a tough time. What a beautiful letter/journal entry about your thoughts and feelings. Keep writing, keep posting, and know that all of your friends out in cyberspace are thinking of you.
Love,
Lawren

Elizabeth said...

Hi Vanessa, I haven't been by in a while and was very saddened today when I read about your Mami. I am so sorry for your loss. Hold onto the memories, it is what we live for. My thoughts are with you at this time. Take care.